he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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