We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
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