Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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