Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
