if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
