Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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