just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
