If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
