onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize