tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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