I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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