i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
