He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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