I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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