last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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