I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize