false alarm. still invincible.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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