I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
