Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
