JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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