can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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