I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
