I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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