My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
