theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
