Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
