$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
