I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
This baby is an asshole
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
