He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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