I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
