So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
