By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
