Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
