ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
