oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
he thought i was a dude.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
