I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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