ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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