it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
