Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
