I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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