Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think I am morally bankrupt
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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