I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
