I just saw a hot homeless man
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
