I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She bit a glass in half.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
