Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
