We need to rekindle our bromance
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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