I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
