Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
