I looked at my own cervix.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
