any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
