Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
