you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
