I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
