My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
