well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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