After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
